Pretences
by tomo
Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend. Warning: SLASH.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: First things first, the characters are not mine… but the story is, fortunately.

Rating: R

Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend.

Dedication: Once again, for my muse.

A/N: The ones in _italic_ are the present scenes.

**PRETENCES**

_Sweet Merlin, you feel great. I closed my eyes and savored the closeness of your body. Just like in my dreams… only this felt much better. The touch of your skin as I ran my hands through your chest, arms, face—everything that I can reach. I threw my head back as I felt you in me. It was glorious, every second of it. I bit my lip to keep from crying out, forgetting about the silencing charm that you never fail to invoke whenever you slip into my bed. I hear you moan something incoherent. Was it my name? I can never tell. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I don't care. As long as you're here, I don't mind you calling me anything.

* * *

_

I have always loved you. I don't remember when it started. Maybe as soon as I saw you, I felt it. Come to think of it, I think I did fell in love with you when we first met on our first train ride to Hogwarts. I was heaving my trunk then. I must have looked piteous because you came over and offered me your help. I was stunned. No one has ever helped me with anything before. Words left me and I just stared at you. And right then, I was caught. I don't know. Maybe that was it. I don't even know that I fancy boys. No wonder I never felt anything when you talk about girls.

Why do I love you? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with your eyes… a very intoxicating swirl of blue and gray. I remembered telling you when we were in first year that your eyes were like the storm. You stared at me with a puzzled expression and laughed, "You're a strange man, Remus. Very strange indeed." I laughed along with you. You're right. I am strange. I'm a werewolf. And I'm in love with one of my best friends, who, happens to also be male. Just like me.

Or maybe I fell in love with your stubbornness, your determination, your courage and your strength. Everything that I lack, and everything I can never have. Maybe it's the fact that I can't have it that made me want you… so I can feel having it all through you.

It can also be that I fell in love with your being normal. Experiencing a normal childhood, having normal friends, and being treated as someone who is normal. Being normal… it is something that I stopped experiencing on that fateful day that I felt the burning pain of a werewolf bite. My life just ceased being normal. My family, my friends, my relatives… I lost all of them. I think I even lost my self then… my normal self.

My normal self. Normal. I like the sound of that word. Normal. It is something that I wanted desperately but hopelessly lack. I always imagined that if I weren't cursed, I would have led a normal life. Maybe I would have. But then I thought, maybe not. Because you see, I never grew into an average young man… at least, nothing that my parents ever wanted… or ever thought was normal. I was thin, I was pale, I was short, I was quiet, I was weak… nothing like the rest of the boys my age. I even remembered how my father turned beet red when one of his relatives, my aunt (his sister) apparently, told him that at least, I grew up to be such a pretty young lady. I still laugh at that. I do. A pair of perfectly normal parents 'graced' with a perfectly abnormal kid. Oh, the mockery of it all.

* * *

_I ghost my fingers across your face, trying to remember every curve… every crease… every detail. I heard you call another name. I threw my head back, keeping my eyes closed. I felt you grasp my hips as you tried shifting to a new position. I gasped as I felt the warmth of your body left on my bed covers as my back came into contact with it. I clenched my teeth as I felt you moving even faster within me. I forced my eyes shut. Maybe if I lose one of my senses, the others will increase tenfold. I hope it would, because tonight, I want to feel you. I want to instill everything into my memory because I knew… I knew… I knew that you would never be…

* * *

_

As soon as we set foot on Hogwarts on our seventh year, you were nowhere to be found—especially during weekends and after-dinner hours. I used to wonder where you are. I used to play blind. But now, I cannot fool myself any longer. I know full well that almost all of Hogwarts wants you… and that at last, you've taken notice.

I can always smell someone else from your clothes, your hair, and your skin. You know what? It takes so much control for me to not jump at you and erase those scents through replacing them with mine. Do you remember when I ran to the bathroom when you entered the week after last? I heard you ask James about it. I was almost sure that he shrugged it off. You know what I did then? I threw up. You see, I really can't stand smelling someone else from you. And to think that it was only two days before the full moon then. The wolf was so strong that my sense of smell can actually recognize that you reek of Aretha Locke's scent.

I hate seeing you smile whenever you had a good date… or, bless my tongue, a good fuck. I hate it when you tell me, James and Peter about it. I hate it when they seem very happy and excited about it. I hate it when you say thanks and brag about it more.

Or maybe, I hate it because it wasn't me who you're bragging about. Maybe I hate it because I'm jealous about those people that you always talk about. I hate that I can't be one of those people because whatever I do, I'm just one of your best friends… nothing more. And I hate it all the more because I always hear myself congratulate you for your conquests. I hate myself for smiling and teasing you about it. I hate it that I accept that we are nothing more than friends… nothing more than brothers… that I can never be more than anything else to you. And I accepted that… a long time ago. And I hate myself for accepting it.

* * *

_I drown myself in you, overloading my senses with you. I can feel you moving in me and it's glorious. I held onto you desperately, scared to let go because I know that after this, everything returns to normal. I pull you into a kiss, opening my mouth as I helped you deepen it. I tried to whisper your name but no words came out. That's good though, because I'm afraid that if I say your name everything will vanish and I would wake up alone.

* * *

_

Alone. I have been alone all my life, except now that I have you, James and Peter. I can't ask for anything more. Before Hogwarts, I was left out. No one wants me. I know for a fact that my parents love me… they just don't and cannot accept that their only son has been cursed and hadn't grown up the way they wanted. As for friends, I did not have any. Who would want to befriend their next-door werewolf neighbor? Hardly anybody. But you changed it all.

I never thought that I could make friends in Hogwarts. But you were there. And so are James and Peter. I can never forget that time when you, James and Peter decided to become animagi for me. I was shocked. I was frightened. I was ecstatic. No one has ever done anything like that for me. Come to think of it, no has ever done anything for me.

I was speechless when I first saw the three of you transform one by one. I was thunderstruck. I cannot, for the life of me, think it possible for wizards at the age of fifteen to perfectly undergo an animagus transformation. You never cease to amaze me.

James was a stag. It was very much fitting, really, because like the stag that he transformed into, James was very strong and stable. As for Peter, I was very much surprised that he was able to undergo such transformations. I applaud him for that. And I can never believe how very fitting that his size was just right for him to be able to push that knot hidden amongst the roots of the Whomping Willow.

And you. I gasped when I saw your animagus form. I cannot believe it. Was it a dream? You were a canine. The closest it can ever be to my wolf-form. I was dumbfounded. A thousand different feelings came through me. Was this destiny? Most probably not. Seeing it as fate or destiny that is connected to my being a wolf is plain wishful thinking and nothing more… it can never, never be more.

During full moons, I wasn't alone because the three of you kept me company in your animagus forms. You can never know how thankful I am for that. One time, I almost laughed when Madame Pomfrey's eyes grew wide in surprise when I came into the hospital wing with hardly any bruise.

I even hated myself for anticipating the coming of the full moon. Can I blame myself? It is only during those times that I, even in the wolf-form, am given permission to be with you… to be near you. I hated myself even more for letting you worry over me during the mornings after the full moon… fussing over my wounds, my robes, and my blankets. It makes me much too hopeful that we can be more than what we are now. It makes me love you all the more. And it makes me hurt myself more.

Right now, I cling to every full moon more desperately. It is because it's the only time that I get all three of you back. I get to have your full attention, which is selfish, I know. It is only this time that I can pull Peter away from his homework and his girlfriend, Jenina. This is also the only time that I can get James to stop thinking about Lily, who, by the way, has turned him down for the umpteenth time. And most of all, it is the only time that I get to draw you away from everybody. It's the only time I get to spend with you because, as I've said, you always seem to be nowhere.

* * *

_I lost control and moaned your name. I hate it when I lost control. It is during this time that I lose all my thoughts and only feel. I don't want to only feel. I want to remember. I want something to keep in my mind because I know that one day, this will have to stop… these nightly visits. And I dread that I know that it will eventually stop because by then, I won't be able to let go. And I would be left alone. So for now, I bit my lip, feeling blood trickle in a thin line through my chin as I grasped at the beddings. I felt control come back to me. And I can see your face clearly through my closed eyes. I can see it clearly…

* * *

_

I stared at you from across the table this morning. You were seated at your usual place except for the fact that instead of having me beside you, you had your newest girlfriend, Erin. You didn't notice me looking at you, didn't you? I know you didn't. But James did. He knew. He always knew. And I hated it that he was so sensitive to find out… I hated it because at times like this, he would look at me with pity and smile encouragingly. I don't want him to feel pity for me because in doing that, it allows me to pity myself more… because it proves that indeed, I am pitiful. But you know what's worst? He understands what I'm going through. And because of that, it gives him the permission to sympathize with me, making it all the more blazingly clear to me that I have lost you… that I can never ever have you.

But still, inside, I smile secretly. Because I knew that tonight, just like those full moon nights and mornings after that, you will be mine alone. That even for a few stolen moments, I can be with you, even if I know that after that, you will return to the others who really own you. And it hurts me to think that maybe, even during the nights that I have with you, you were not mine… that even during those times that I think I had you, I didn't. And it pains me to know that I am continually deceiving myself… torturing myself beyond repair because I know that every time that I thought I had you but I didn't I incur a wound upon myself that would leave a scar that will mark me forever.

And this evening, I cursed myself for letting you into my bed and deeper into my life. I could have stopped you… I should have stopped you. But I didn't. I hate myself for being such a coward… for being scared to give you up… for being afraid to lose you if I refused even if I know that I can never lose you because I never had you in the first place.

* * *

_I cried silently as you kissed the corner of my lips, my closed eyes and my neck. I despised my body for reacting to your kisses, your tentative touches, your caress and your warmth. I hate myself for letting you do this to me… for letting me hope against the impossible… for letting me wish all the more to have you. But most of all, I hate myself for allowing you to do this to me. I hate myself for it even as I kissed you hungrily._

_I clutched at the bedspread more desperately as the mattress undulated forcefully beneath me. Tears spilled from my eyes as I came, barely holding myself back from crying your name. You continued thrusting until you too, came with a hoarse cry…_

"_Lily!"_

_I waited for my breathing to return to normal before opening my eyes to meet yours, which are full of apology and sorrow. "I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't…"_

"_It's alright," I whispered. "It's alright, James. I also lost control."_

_It wasn't you all along. And I smiled bitterly as James slips out of my bed and I was left alone to tend to the wounds that I have created for myself… wounds that would never heal._

_I don't know for how long James and I will keep on doing this. I don't even know why James does this. I don't know. Maybe because we both need it… because we both suffer from not being able to get what we most desperately want. _

_One day, I know that James will get over this make-believe affair. But I know that as long as I live, I will never get over it… I know that it will go on with another man… who knows? All I know is that as long as I live, I will always love you… and I will continue to dream…

* * *

_

A/N: Would you like me to write a sequel? Comments? Suggestions? Please review.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: First things first, the characters are not mine… but the story is, fortunately.

Rating: R

Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend.

Dedication: Once again, for my muse.

A/N: The ones in _italic_ are the present scenes.

PRETENCES

_I allow you to push me to the wall, gasping as my back hit it rather hard. I don't care, though. Pain is nothing as compared to the pleasure that I'm feeling at the moment. I moaned appreciatively as you ran your tongue along my neck, shivering delightedly as cold air attacks the wet trail left by it. I grasped fistfuls of black hair, dazedly marveling at its softness, as you rocked against me.

* * *

_

James? No, it isn't James anymore. I was right. He would get over it. I don't mind, though—I actually expected it. What I didn't expect was for him to get what he wanted. I'm not bitter—no, not at all. I'm happy for him. At least, one of us got healed—one of us escaped this hopelessness that threatened to swallow us whole. I'm really not surprised that James was able to have Lily… that Lily accepted him. After all, James is normal… unlike me.

I stole a glance at you as James announced the good news. You looked so happy for him. I wonder… would you be that happy if I told you about my feelings for you? I think not. You would be disgusted, I guess. You would hate me and I don't want that. I'd rather deny myself of your love than risk having our friendship lost. I turned my gaze back at James only to see him smiling sadly at me. I tried to smile in return.

* * *

_I can hear people cheering us on. I closed my eyes, feeling myself, unexpectedly, grow even more excited. I can imagine how James and Peter's eyes would've popped out of its sockets if they ever saw me—us—like this. I tipped my head, allowing you to nibble lightly at my throat, growling unconsciously at my submissive act as the voices began to fade together with my consciousness.

* * *

_

I discovered this muggle bar three months after we left Hogwarts. I was walking through muggle London, on the way to my small, rented apartment, then. I was lost in thought, mostly about my bills, when I saw you. And, without thinking, I started following you.

As I entered, loud music assaulted my senses from all directions, drowning me. Helplessly, I looked around for you… scanning through the writhing, gyrating bodies, lost in the intoxicating beat. I gasped as I felt strong arms wrap around my waist. "Looking for someone?" I heard you whisper. I shivered at the closeness of your lips as I feel your breath brush through my temple. All I remember after that is: you, pushing me against the wall, and me, waking up the following day in a bed that is definitely not mine, beside a man that is definitely not you. Realizing my mistake, I hurriedly gathered my clothes and left. I never saw him—the man pretending to be you, or rather, the man I pretended to be you—again after that.

I cannot believe myself as I entered the same bar the following week, and the nights after that, looking for you. Surprisingly, I would always see you, and you would always come to me. I would always see that familiar smirk, feel that strong body, and rake my hands through that midnight black hair.

You know, I always laugh inwardly whenever we—you, James, Lily, Peter and I—meet each other. You guys always seem to fuss over me, asking me if I am able to get enough rest or able to have decent meals. I'm fine, really. There's nothing wrong with me. Then, I would look at you secretly, applauding your ability to cover up our nightly trysts.

* * *

_The lights above me are flickering before my eyes. I clutched at your shoulders, as everything started rotating madly, making me grow dizzy. I gasped when I felt your cold fingertips touch my sides with feather-like caresses. I held your face and kissed you fiercely. You tasted of liquor—much like me, I suppose. Could it be that you were trying to numb your senses so that you can do this with me?

* * *

_

"Moony, are you sure you're ok?" You asked me two months ago as we prepared for James and Lily's muggle wedding. "Yeah, of course. What made you think otherwise?" I stole a glance at you. You were looking at me intently that I almost thought you were worried about me. But who was I fooling? You would never care about me. You shrugged and turned away, straightening your coat. You know what? I really thought you cared, though I know deep inside that you don't—that you wouldn't.

I picked at my food during the reception, oddly repulsed with the thought and smell of it. I heard you laugh at something. You were seated beside me then. I stole a look at you, immediately wishing that I hadn't—because apparently, you brought you newest girlfriend with you. I bit my lip and continued with my task of mincing small pieces of lettuce. "Remus, is anything wrong?" I heard Peter squeak beside me. The knife I was holding nearly slipped from my hand. "Huh?" I looked at him. "I was asking if anything's wrong. You haven't touched anything from your plate. I thought you love these, uh, leaves." He said. "Oh! I, uh, I just," I stammered, finding the best excuse I could muster, "I'm just not in the mood to eat, is all." I know it's not in the least believable because the next thing I know, everything grew quiet and you were pulling me aside into a secluded area.

"What's wrong with you, Remus!" You half-asked, half-exclaimed. I winced slightly. You only use my name, that is, after you guys have nicknamed me 'Moony', whenever you are serious—or angry. "Nothing." I mumbled. "Bullshit! Look at you!" You shouted, "You've lost a lot of weight! I don't even think you're eating regularly. What has been happening? Why don't you tell us!" I swallowed, the grass suddenly taking my interest. "Look at me. Damn it!" You tipped my head. I stared blankly at you, not even having the energy to show any emotion. "Nothings wrong with me, Sirius." I told you. You looked at me one last time clenching your jaw. I saw your fist tighten. I bowed my head, thinking you would hit me. However, no blow came. You simply walked away. I sighed, to tired and defeated to even cry.

* * *

_The substances I took earlier must have been working for I can clearly see your face. I can feel the tiniest sensation, and it's perfect. I wrapped my legs around your waist as you lifted me from the ground. I can feel your arousal through your pants as you carefully rocked against me. I threw my head back in pleasure. Maybe… maybe… tonight, I can be able to feel you again.

* * *

_

Last month, I was shocked to find James at the door of my apartment as I was going out to seek you again. "James? How—" I asked and was cut off when he replied curtly, "I asked around." "Oh… Uh, well, come in." I stepped aside and allowed him into my apartment. I cannot, in the life of me, believe that this is happening. "I-it isn't… much." I said, motioning my hands, through the small and bare, except for the old rug, living room.

"Why didn't you tell us?" He asked. "Huh?" I looked at him questioningly. "Why didn't you tell us that you live _here_?" He looked around, as if inspecting every detail of the living room. I bowed my head. "I… I didn't want you guys to worry about me." He turned to me. "You know you could've called us. You could've lived with me for a while." He said. I smiled sadly at him. "Are you crazy? You just got married two weeks ago and you expect me to live with you?" He shrugged. "You could've stayed with Wormtail—" He continued, to which I immediately interjected, "—and his parents!"

We stood in silence for a few moments. Inspecting my ceiling now, James suddenly spoke up. "You could've stayed with Padfoot. He would've been more than willing." I laughed bitterly. "You know I can't, James." I sighed. "I don't want to make it harder for me." I said quietly. I looked out the window, not noticing that James has started walking around the house.

"Merlin!" I heard James exclaim from the kitchen. I rushed to him, dreading what he saw. "Remus, have you been drinking?" He was staring at the table, littered with bottles of cheap muggle liquor. I sighed in relief—at least he wasn't able to see those wonderful muggle substances that are hidden around the house. "I, uh…" I stammered. "What's wrong, Remus? I know there's something wrong. You've never done this before. What's happening? Padfoot even told me you're hiding something." My eyes grew wide. "Sirius…" I whispered. "He was really worried and angry that you wouldn't tell him what's wrong." James said, looking at me. I looked away. "There's nothing wrong, James. I mean it."

I mean it, really. There's nothing wrong with me. In fact, I'm having a great time. You see, now, I get to spend countless evenings with you. I even began to think that I'm feeling greater as compared to what I'm feeling in Hogwarts… because now, I get to have you anytime I want.

* * *

"_You're so hot…" I hear you whisper. I smiled triumphantly, arching my back to let you feel my body. I hear you groan in response. I used this opportunity to plunder your mouth again. I can feel you pounding against me. Pulling away, I stared dazedly at your familiar face. Your eyes are closed, your mouth, slightly open, letting out small puffs of breath. I smiled appreciatively and leaned in to kiss the corner of your lips, traveling downwards to your neck.

* * *

_

Did you know that I had the worst transformation last week? Of course you wouldn't know that. You weren't there. It was the first time that neither you, nor James and Peter, was there. I'm not complaining, though. We have our own lives now. I know that Peter is preoccupied with his new job in the ministry. I also understand that James is an auror-in-training and is currently married to, and had to take care of Lily. And you… I know that you are currently having your auror training with James.

I understand all of you, I do. I have known since the day you showed me your animagus forms that all of this will have to end one day… it's just that I did not expect it to happen now. But still, there is nothing to worry about. I managed didn't I? Though I still have to visit Madame Pomfrey again since the wounds are deep and numerous.

I have to admit that the wolf did miss his pack. And the fact that I saw you the night before the transformation didn't help either… you were so close then… so, so real.

It was one of those nights that I felt I needed you. And when the muggle liquor and substances fail to quench my need, I walked again into that muggle bar, hoping to find you. It didn't take long. I found you almost as soon as I entered. You were seated in a corner, together with two others. I took a deep drag of air and started walking towards you.

Those muggle stuffs can really work wonders… making me confident enough to go near you… making me all the more addicted to you.

When I reached you, I didn't waste time. I need you now… I want you now. I felt you stiffen as I caress your neck, pausing to lean in and lick my way through the path made by my fingers. I pulled away to look at you. You looked back at me with wide eyes filled with surprise. I smiled seductively. Why the shocked look? We do this almost every night, don't we?

I ran my hand along your chest as I climbed onto your lap. I heard twin gasps coming from your two companions. I didn't mind them, though. As long as I have you, I don't mind what others might think of me. I raked my fingers through your hair, feeling the familiar softness. I closed my eyes, leaned in and captured your lips. It was intoxicating… I felt like drowning. Your scent overwhelmed me. Your scent… I opened my eyes. I pulled back immediately, as if burned.

"Moony?" I heard your confused voice, through my drug-blurred mind. "What just happened?" I can hear Peter's voice from your side. I shook my head, as if casting a fantasy gone out of hand away from my mind. After a while, I just stood there, staring at you, until I felt your hand on my shoulder. And, as if awakening from a dream, I snapped back to my senses and did the only thing I can think of… run.

* * *

_You gasped as I bit your neck. I felt you shiver, sending delicious sensations through my body. "I want you." I heard you whisper huskily. I hugged you tighter, rubbing myself furiously against you. You gasped again. "Then take me." I whispered back, wanting this sweet torture to end.

* * *

_

I almost hit my head against the wall when I got to my apartment after our fateful encounter. My head hurt. The room was spinning wildly. I think I fell on the rug in the living room. Tears kept falling. I just let it be. I don't have the energy to stop it anyway. I feel so drained.

What would you think of me now? I don't think I ever want to know. I can imagine you not going anywhere near me. I don't even think you can look at me. I hate myself. How can I be so careless? I banged my head repeatedly against the floor until I turned numb. The next thing I know, Madame Pomfrey is in front of me, helping me hold onto a portkey.

As soon as I hit the floor of the Shrieking Shack, I felt the pull of the moon coursing through my blood. I started clawing furiously at my skin, as it stretched and broke. I cried in anguish. I cannot feel you guys. You have not come. I clenched desperately at the loose floorboards. My cries turning into howls as my consciousness left me.

"Merlin!" I heard James' voice as my consciousness returned the next morning. Every inch of my body is burning with pain. I can hardly move. I noted two pairs of hands trying to lift me. I cried in pain. "Don't worry, Remus, we'll get you to the infirmary really fast." Peter's trembling voice sounded beside me.

So, you did not come at all. Was it because of what happened last night? No doubt. My cries doubled… the reasons being physical—of the wounds and fractures—and emotional pain—of your loss—blurred as tears fell from my eyes. The pain was very much overwhelming that the only thing I can remember is Madame Pomfrey's voice crying, "Poor, poor boy…", before I, again, fell into the darkness.

* * *

"_How do you want me?" I whispered, before licking the shell of your ear. "On your hands and knees, begging me to fuck you into oblivion." You replied, emphasizing your words as you rolled your hips suggestively. I licked my lips. I never expected you to be so direct. Who cares, though? My hands scrabble against your chest, trying to feel more of you. I can hear you calling me. I bit my lip and moaned your name.

* * *

_

It took a good amount of pleading before Madame Pomfrey released me from the hospital wing this morning. I limped my way to Hogsmeade before apparating to my apartment. As soon as I arrived, I fell on my bed and stared at the ceiling. James, Peter and Lily visited a couple of times during my stay in the hospital wing. You never did. I smiled bitterly. I guess you never will.

I got up and went to the living room, feeling underneath the old rug for those muggle substances that I reserved for nights like these. Tears started welling in my eyes as the syringe broke my skin. They never fell. I felt the familiar floating sensation overcome my pain. I stayed that way for a while before I stood up to further heal the pain, the only way I know how.

The air was thick when I entered the bar. The smell of smoke, liquor and sweat filled my nostrils. I breathed it in hungrily. I swayed through the throng of bodies, looking for you. I don't have to look far, though… because you found me. I turned around as soon as I felt your arms around me. I smiled appreciatively—the familiar hair, smirk and body. We moved to the music for a while, as sweat covered our bodies. I traced my hands through your face, trying to feel you… maybe… for the last time.

I allowed you to push me away from the crowd and into the wall where we are at the moment.

* * *

_I released my legs from around your hips as your hand snaked into my shirt to caress my chest. "Have a place?" I whispered hotly, grinding my hips against yours. You moaned. "Come on…" I coaxed. You nodded, your lips refusing to let go of my neck. I held onto your shoulders as I heard a frighteningly familiar voice shout from behind you. "Fuck you!"

* * *

_

I never knew what happened after that. All I remember before I lost consciousness is that someone pulled you roughly away from me. Then, I saw another you delivering a blow to you. I shook my head in confusion. How can there be two of you? Maybe it has something to do with those muggle substances. After a while, your face swam before me, filled with worry. I felt someone lifting me. I was floating… higher… higher…

Then it grew dark.

A/N: Sorry for the very late update. Please do review. I do write more when I get to have reviews.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: First things first, the characters are not mine… but the story is, fortunately.

Rating: R

Summary: The only thing that Remus can do to be with him is to pretend.

Dedication: For those who believed in me (thank you for waiting).

A/N: The ones in _italic_ are the present scenes.

**PRETENCES**

_I let my fingertips glide over your face, then your neck. Your breath catches and your body stiffens. My hands stop and rest on your shoulders, kneading it. I stole a glance at your face. Your brows are knitted together… your mouth releases puffs of breath, as if you were in pain. Carefully, I leaned in, hooked my arms around your neck, and whispered desperately, "Love me."._

* * *

I have always associated love with pain. It is an ever recurring theme in my life. Whenever I love, I get hurt. That is plain to me. It doesn't in the least disturb me. But this doesn't mean that I am immune to pain. I am not. But I have learned to welcome it.

And so, when I woke up to the sight of wizard stuff adorning the unfamiliar room in which I ended up in last night, I knew that I would now be paying the price of continuously loving you. I smiled sadly.

I know a number of black-haired wizards of approximately our age. How long would it take before news flies about me sleeping with men? How long would it take for it to reach you? And if it does, what would you think of me?

* * *

_You gasped. I covered your lips with mine, wanting to feel my breath mingle with yours. I shivered, savoring the feel of it. With trembling hands, I fumbled with the buttons of your shirt. My lips then ghosted through your throat, your chest, your arms… I want to take all of you in… To feel you forever with me._

* * *

I shot out of the bed and ran towards the window. With all my strength, I tried to pry it open. It wouldn't budge—it was spelled shut. I ran to the door. There is a small chance that he, whoever he is, went out of the house so that I can slip out unnoticed. But the door was charmed to lock from the outside. I panicked. Like a caged animal, I started ramming my fist into the glass panels of the window, only succeeding in doing myself more damage than the window itself.

"You know, that wouldn't work." I heard a hauntingly familiar voice behind me. I froze. Back then, I would have given everything just to hear that voice again. That rich voice that fills my every dream. But now, rooted in this spot, I wish I could take it back.

After a pregnant silence, you spoke again. "I made breakfast."

Tears started to well in my eyes. I wanted to shout at you. Why do you act as if nothing happened? Why do you make me hope? Instead, "I-I'll go now," was all I could stammer.

"I'm sorry? Let's eat. We'll talk later." I heard you say.

My face felt hot. _Talk_? What is there to talk about? Don't pretend you didn't get it after what you've seen me do. I can feel your eyes piercing through me… judging me. I couldn't stand it.

"There's nothing to talk about, Sirius. I'll go now. Thanks for letting me stay the night." I said, walking past you.

But you grabbed my arm.

* * *

_I sat back and took a long look at you. This may as well be the last. I want to carve your image into my memory… your chest as it rises and falls with every breath… your hands, clutching the bedspread… The sight of you leaves me breathless. I knelt in front of you and worshipped you with my mouth. You took a sharp intake of breath._

* * *

I have always imagined how it would be like to tell you what I felt. Pictures of many scenes would pass through my mind, each more beautiful than the last. I would then wonder how I would tell you. What words would I use? How do I act?

Back in Hogwarts, I remembered walking in on a pretty Ravenclaw girl confessing her feelings to you, as I made my way to the library. She was blushing, and you looked surprised. But then you smiled. A smile you've never shown me before. I was angry. I was jealous. I was envious. Those smiles should be directed at me, and those confessions, my own. I wanted to turn and walk away. But I was rooted to the spot, unable to tear my eyes away. It's as if a something was holding me back, forcing me to see everything. The scene was mocking me. And I was helpless.

Some people say that physical pain is better than emotional pain. I couldn't agree more. I can easily pinpoint the part of my body that is injured. It is then cured promptly. But if I saw you with another, and I got hurt, where would I point to? The aching in my chest? The feel of a thousand pins pricking my palms? The fluttering of my stomach? Where? And if I did point it out, can they do anything? Would you do anything?

And so, it wasn't surprising that on the same afternoon, Peter was shocked to find me in the bathroom, scratching at my forearms, dried blood caking under my fingernails.

* * *

_Slowly, I lowered myself onto you. Tears fell uncontrollably from my eyes. It was painful, and yet, it was the most beautiful thing. I wanted to stay this way forever. I closed my eyes, and concentrated on the feel of it. I felt your hand reaching out for me, touching my face, my hair, my neck. I let out a voiceless scream._

* * *

I winced in pain as you tightened your grip. Your eyes grew wide in realization and you loosened your hold. But you still wouldn't release me. "Please…" I whispered.

"If you were in so much pain, why would you still go there?" You asked, the blatant accusation stabbing me, making me feel helpless.

Like a drowning man, I clutched onto the hand holding me captive. "Please," I whimpered, "please let me go."

Let go. Let me go from your hold on me… form the spell you cast on me. Stop letting me hope. Stop making me want more from you. Stop me from loving you. Hurt me enough that it would blind my love. Stop me.

I struggled.

* * *

_Slowly, I moved. Keeping my eyes shut, I allowed my hands to travel across your chest, finally settling on your shoulders. I can feel your eyes on me, your hands worshipping my body. I whimpered as my movements became more erratic. I buried my face on the crook of your neck as I reached the peak, my lips whispering your name._

* * *

Your gripped tightened as I continued struggling. You were saying something but I wasn't listening. My only thought is that I have to break free. I have to escape you, because I know that if I don't do it now, I would never be able to do so. I would be trapped here, with your hand forever holding me in place. And I am afraid I would not regret it.

Losing patience, you wrapped your arms around me, and I was immediately reduced to a whimpering mass of flesh. I sobbed in frustration, knowing that such simple movement would seal my fate. I wouldn't want to move away.

"Remus," you called, "Remus." Your voice sounded as if from far away, luring me back to you. I shivered. "Please," I repeated, "please… I have to go. Please." "Remus," your voice came again, "Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you go there? Why?" My sobs wracked my body, and I melted to the floor. You followed, never once releasing your hold on me.

I cannot possible tell you. If you knew, everything shatters, and I would be left alone. I'd rather hurt myself—deprive myself of your love—than be abandoned.

"We followed you—James, Peter and I." You said, each word feeling like bricks falling upon me. I started trembling. James and Peter never mentioned anything when they visited me in the hospital wing. So it's true. It was you.

Sensing my agitation, you immediately interjected, "We were worried. We have to do it. We have to know."

_We_. It's always we, wasn't it? How silly of me to think that _you_ cared when James told me _you_ were worried. You thought about me from the collective perspective of a friend. I wasn't at all special, was I?

"And James, he told me he was scared you might hurt yourself. He said I should help you." You continued. It was James. Always James. It should've been James. I would've been better off if it were with James. But it has to be you. And I hate myself, my stupid self, for preferring you.

"I don't understand," you said, "Tell me. You have to make me understand." You couldn't possibly understand. You, who have always been loved… adored… who, with just a snap of your fingers, can find someone to love, who will love you completely in return. You can't possibly understand me. No matter how eloquently I tell you, you just can't.

"You wouldn't understand." I finally said. I shakily stood up, removing your hold on me. You seem to be thinking deeply as I glanced at you. You're eyes were staring blankly at the opposite wall. With one last look, I started to walk away.

But right then, as if waking from a trance, you stood up and grabbed me, tighter than before. I gasped in pain. "Sirius, please," I whispered feebly.

"Show me," you said. I shivered. "Show me. Let me understand. Show me."

* * *

_I rested my head on you chest, listening to you heartbeat as it gradually slowed down. I felt your hands around me. I sighed._

_The afternoon sun filtered through the window. I opened my eyes… and the magic was broken. You're eyes were closed, never once looking at me adoringly. Your hands, mere ghosts that I felt embracing me, touching me with care, were, all the while, resting at your sides._

_Everything was wrapped in pretences._

_You never understood._

_And I walked away, hurt and battered, with more scars than I can bother to conceal._

* * *

A/N: I'm truly sorry for not updating for the longest time. I just can't bring myself to think of what to do next. I don't know if I can still continue with this fic (a bit hanging as it is), so I can't promise anything. And it's too short! I don't even know if what I wrote still fits the book (I stopped reading the series after the fifth installment… I don't know, I lost interest).

Moony73: Thank you for that wonderful review (the longest I ever got!). You lured me out. You! :) I was like, "My God! I have to write something! And fast!".

For those who read this, especially those who left reviews for the preceding two chapters, thank you. This is for you. 


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